This Was the End
by KSpazzed
Summary: Lightning illuminated the sky, not too far away, but it never occurred to me to be scared. It might even be a relief to be struck. When everything was lost, Sonny still ran back to him. One-shot.


**Closure**

I gazed up at him as he slowly leaned forward. I didn't turn my head away, much as I wanted to, and instead tried to make it look like I was every bit as enthralled with the evening as he was. It was our first date, hard enough as it was. Now he had to add this kiss to the mix. His eyes, not hopeful but instead expectant, met mine. Then I gasped; blue eyes filled my vision, instead of the dark green that belonged to his face. I choked and backed up a little bit.

"Are you okay?" he questioned concernedly, taking in the tears now rolling down my cheeks and my long, shaky breaths. I stared at him, trying to forget everything but this moment, and focus on my budding relationship with him, but all I could think about was pain and endings. He wasn't frowning with worry. It was an offended expression. I could just picture that on _his _face, because _he _wouldn't be able to believe anyone would reject him, and I could barely stop from breaking down right there.

"I - I have to go," I stuttered, and I grabbed my coat, tossing it on as I sprinted out the door, leaving a very bewildered green-eyed man behind.

Free of the diner's shelter, rain pelted my legs as I struggled to run in a white dress - _Almost looks like a wedding dress, _I thought bitterly. I was stumbling every which way, and I could hear my shrieks over the continuous, resounding roar of thunder. I couldn't stop the onslaught of grief once it began any more than I could stop the storm. Lightning illuminated the sky, not too far away, but it never occurred to me to be scared. It might even be a relief to be struck. My howls were in time with the rumble of the clouds.

I remembered the Sonny from before, the happy, bubbly Sonny, the one on a comedy show responsible for making not just herself laugh, but the whole country as well. I used to welcome the challenge. For that matter, I would take on any dare. I stood up for what I believed in and never backed down. _But that was when I had you still._

I was still running; my feet were sore from my heels. For the first time, I looked up, trying to figure out where I was. I could see the two trees up ahead, and then - _Oh no. No, no, no. I just had to come here. _But it did make sense. When something went wrong, my feet always did carry me back to him.

My sobs were harder now, and more tiring. I felt exhausted. My soaked hair stuck to my neck, and my dress was muddy. At that moment, I didn't care. Knowing that I was here anyway, I strode through the forest of solemn stone, until I reached the most important one. The hunk of rock was all that was left of him. I was almost hysterical when I reached it. _Oh my God. Oh my God. I never thought this would happen to me._

It was the funeral thoughts all over again. I felt the familiar, overwhelming sensation of guilt and self-hate, and I dropped to my knees in the dirt. My hands instinctively reached out for the gravestone, cradling it, holding it. It was the only thing that could comfort me now. _Before I always had your arms. Before I always had you there, stroking my hair and telling me it would be okay. _I let out a strangled laugh. _Do I look like I'm okay, dear? Do I really? Did you really have to leave me?_

I knew he didn't mean it. He never meant to leave me - if he had gotten his way, he would have been with me forever. If I had gotten my way, he would have been with me forever. But it was me who dragged him out the door that day, saying that the world didn't care what he'd supposedly done. He had been framed, and if the judge ruled him innocent, then he was innocent. No one would be stupid enough to contradict that fact, because it was obvious. I could never believe anything bad of him anyway, which might have been why it was so easy for me to accept that he wasn't guilty. But the world didn't believe him after all - that was why that bullet had gotten through, why it had hit him in the back of the head, with me still holding his hand and waving to the crowds…

_No, no, no, no… it should be me gone, it's my fault, I deserve it…_

Maybe death was too good for me. I'd done the worst thing I could ever imagine. I had been the reason he was dead. I loathed myself.

I curled up beside the tall gravestone, still weeping. With watery eyes, I stared up at the sky, watching the lightning and rain. It was past midnight, and my eyes closed, still leaking out tears faster than they'd ever come out in my life. So this was closure. This was the end.

I wrestled off my ring and shoved it into the mud. I couldn't bear to have that on my finger, to carry around the weight of my past with me in my dreams. I cried myself to sleep, beside his gravestone.

*

The next day I woke up to smeared mascara and a sunny morning. The weather mocked me. I still felt horribly miserable. I dried the tear stains off of my face with the back of my hand and stared back at the gravestone. He had protected me for one more night. I smiled with a grin that didn't quite reach to my ears, and stood up, shaking. I started to move forward when I caught sight of my hand.

_No! Where is it? _I thought frantically, new tears swimming up. I didn't think I had any left. If I couldn't find my ring, then I'd truly have nothing left of him… My vision blurred, and I felt like my entire world was going to collapse.

Then I found it, sitting as clean as can be in a patch of mud right by his gravestone. The tears leaked out, but because of relief, and I slid my wedding ring onto my finger. I'd be lost without it, even more lost than I already was without him.

I couldn't keep my eyes away from the gravestone. I read over and over, _Chad Dylan Cooper. _I had to keep reading it, otherwise I'd be convinced that he would be walking home with me. It still felt unreal, but all of a sudden, I knew there was no going back. He was gone from this world, and he'd taken most of me with him, but part of me was still here. I had to make the most of it. Chad would want me to do just that.

"Good-bye, Chad," I whispered, weeping silently. It had been two years now. Two years since the day he was stolen from me, and it took this long for me to find closure. I sighed heavily before forcing myself to walk away, head held high, determined to make Chad proud of me.

But that didn't mean I wasn't still wishing I was beside him under all that dirt, holding his hand and blissfully unaware of what grief was.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I hope you liked it! This is my first SWAC fic. I love the show. Something about it is just awesome, and the fanfics are even better. I had an idea for a depressing sort of story - hope it wasn't _too _sad. Please review! I'd love to know what you think.


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